Self-Love and the Work of Authenticity
Self-Love Club
Growing up I always thought I loved myself. Every time my therapist would ask me that question my answer was some form of “obviously, I love everything about me.”
But that wasn’t always the case. I did love myself, but there were parts of myself that I didn’t love and chose to ignore. I “loved myself” but I wasn’t practicing self-love. There’s a difference and it took me a long time to see it.
I loved myself, so I spoiled my body and my mind in every dopaminergic way possible. I ate what I wanted (no matter how unhealthy), smoked weed regularly, stayed up late playing video games and watching movies, drank (often more than I needed) and tried to spend every minute I could in any social setting with anyone that was available.
Self-improvement wasn’t even on my radar. In the moment, I thought I was loving myself because I was doing whatever was fun and trying to enjoy every part of life I could.
And to be fair, I was happy. A lot of it felt genuinely great in real time. But looking back on it I was only practicing part of what self-love means. I was practicing short-term gratification exclusively. I was confusing self-love with comfort and pleasure.
The Difference Between Love and Comfort
Self-love is a concept that I don’t think many people fully grasp and I think it’s been misrepresented in a lot of different ways.
When people think of self-love they think things like “I ate so healthy this week I deserve a dessert” or “I know I can be argumentative but I’m not trying to be mean, so I don’t care that it bothers people because I love myself and I’m coming from a genuine place.” And on one hand there is truth to those statements. Putting yourself first is at the core of what it means to love yourself.
But here’s where I think people get lost. What does putting yourself first really mean?
To answer that I always come back to this: what does it mean to love someone else? If you’re a parent, what does it mean to love your child? If you have a partner, what does it mean to love them? Your closest friends, what does loving them actually look like in practice?
In my experience, when you love someone you show your vulnerability and say the hard thing. You stick with them through the difficult times. You make the decisions that you might not want to, but you know are important and right. You show up when they need you, even if they didn’t ask. And you do it all with compassion, empathy, understanding and no judgment in your heart.
Now, if that’s what love looks like when it’s directed outward, why would it look any different when it’s directed at yourself?
Loving your kid doesn’t mean giving them candy every time they cry and demand it. It means holding the boundary even when it’s uncomfortable. It means being the person who cares enough to do the thing that doesn’t feel good in the moment. That’s love. And self-love is no different.
The Gratification Trap
Another way to understand self-love is understanding the battle behind instant vs. delayed gratification. When it comes to self-love I think of instant gratification as surface-level love and delayed gratification as deep love.
Surface level love is still love. It’s not some false sense of loving yourself. But you can love yourself on the surface and still be completely disconnected from a deeper love for yourself.
Deep love, in anything you do, is where the magic happens. Deep connections with a friend or loved one. A deep sense of pride and accomplishment for completing something difficult.
Surface-level love is what feels good in the moment but it’s fleeting. It’s the dessert after a hard week, the night out, the impulse purchase. Deep love is what comes from practicing true self-love. It’s long-lasting. It instills confidence and authenticity. It’s the thing that’s still there when the momentary pleasure fades.
Both are forms of love and both have their place. Both can bring joy, satisfaction, fun and growth. But it’s very easy to get the two confused. When surface-level love starts masquerading as the deep kind, it can leave us feeling empty, regretful and ashamed.
I see this constantly in my practice. People operating in ways that try to replace the depths of practicing self-love with the surface actions of loving themselves.
I like to think that when you are truly practicing self-love you are picking the choices that tend to be more difficult in the moment, for the results you are looking for down the line. It doesn’t mean to never have your dessert. Or to never take a vacation. Or to never enjoy the beauties and fun of life.
But where most people get stuck is the ratio. How often are you choosing comfort over growth? And are you being honest with yourself about the answer?
Are you drinking or smoking “because it’s fun and you’re trying to decompress” or are you doing it because you’re bored? Anxious? Wanting to disconnect? Or feeling uncomfortable being sober in a social setting? All of those answers can be valid. But the more honest you are with yourself, the more connected you feel to yourself and the more you start to move in the direction of authenticity and self-love. Being honest with yourself and having the willpower and discipline to make the choice that is better for you tomorrow is no small feat. When done correctly, you notice a shift in your connection to the world around you.
Loving yourself is surface level. Practicing self-love is deep love. And confusing one for the other is the gratification trap.
What Shame Does When You’re Not Looking
All of this starts with awareness of your own patterns. And I want to be really clear about something. knowing the areas of yourself that you can work on isn’t a weakness. It’s a strength. If you know the weaker parts of yourself, you now know where you can put your effort. If you ignore those parts, that makes an already difficult battle into an impossibility.
There are consequences to skipping this step. If we ignore the parts of ourselves that need the extra love and attention we actually feed into shame and give that voice more ammunition to thrive. When you snub the parts of you that you don’t like you are essentially excommunicating a certain percentage of the entirety that is You and you’re validating that inner critic that lives rent free in your head.
I want to draw a distinction here between two things that look similar on the surface but are completely different. I call them passive acceptance and active self-love.
Passive acceptance is acceptance without any acknowledgment or effort for change. You can accept that you are an angry person and not want to change and do this because you love yourself. And you do love yourself. But if that part of you is impacting your life in any negative way — or impacting the people you love — and you still choose to double down on that, then you might love yourself but you are not practicing self-love. You’re hiding from the vulnerability and authenticity that is a part of you and hindering the evolution of your growth.
Active self-love is showing up as your authentic self. It’s not hiding from the inner critic that lives in your head. It’s not being afraid to acknowledge the parts of you that need improvement, all while still knowing you are someone who is lovable. When someone says you get angry too much, your response isn’t to prove them wrong, double down or deny. It’s an acknowledgment that there might be some truth to that statement and it’s something you are working on. Not because other people are forcing you to, but because you are making that choice for yourself.
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The Part Nobody Wants to Hear
The piece of self-love that most people miss is the hard choices. Communicating, responding, apologizing, behaving, interacting in ways that feel in line with who you are. Just like you would with someone you love. Overriding and rewriting the patterns that currently exist so that you can be the version of yourself that you feel the proudest of.
When you are putting yourself first, it doesn’t mean you are perfect the way you are. It definitely doesn’t mean that there aren’t things to improve on. Self-love means loving all parts of you that currently exist — the proud parts and the not-so-proud parts — and still moving in a direction of self-improvement. The same way you would respond to your partner, child or closest friend on their issues is how you respond to yourself.
If you have a temper, are argumentative, say mean things, have addiction issues, you don’t ignore those parts and tell other people to accept it because you mean well. And you don’t shame yourself into thinking you’re this horrible person.
It’s neither. It’s somewhere in between, and that in-between is where the actual work lives.
It’s a huge leap for someone to admit they have an addiction issue. And an even bigger one to put in the effort to change because they are choosing to love themselves and operate from a place that feels more authentic.
How I Learned This the Hard Way
I am someone who enjoys a good back and forth (some would say intensely argumentative, and they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong). I enjoy debating. I got called out on it so many times that not only would I double down on doing it to prove a point, but I was also quietly acknowledging that there was this part of me that was bad. I would ignore it, shame it, make up excuses for it. Do everything EXCEPT understand what’s going on and approach it like a hurt child needing attention and reassurance. I was letting the inner critic win.
And all that did was make a bigger wound for shame to feed off. Another justification for that voice to say “see I told you, people don’t like you.”
To change this I started with simply being aware of when I was being argumentative. Not even stopping it. Sometimes I’d notice it a day after it happened, sometimes longer. Each time I noticed it the conscious thought was NOT “you suck, do better” or “ugh I hate when I do this.” Instead, the thought was “ok cool, I’ll catch it sooner next time” or “proud of you for noticing it faster.”
It eventually got to the point where I was noticing it in real time and was able to stop myself from even engaging at that level.
And here is the self-love part that I think is the biggest miss for most people. I STILL SLIP UP. I still argue with people when I don’t have to. I still make a slip and don’t catch myself. But the response I give myself is “it’s ok, we’re making progress, you’ll do better next time.” And if I feel the need to apologize or address it I will because I’m showing up in the light from a place of love, not in the shadows from a place of shame.
That’s the whole game. Not perfection. Not denial. Progress met with compassion.
Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love
Once you build the awareness, the next step is the self-talk. Talking to yourself the way you would talk to a close friend going through something hard. Understanding. Empathetic, yet firm. Honest. Non-judgmental. It is the most difficult part of self-love because you are acting as your own judge.
But responding to yourself in this way is, in my opinion, the definition of self-love. Not the hot bath. Not the cheat meal. Not the lazy Sunday. Those things are fine, and they have their place. But they are short-term gratifications that are fleeting compared to the long-term gratification of putting in the work that lasts for years.
It’s showing up authentically in every way possible because you are feeling aligned within.
Why This Matters If You’re a Parent
This post is meant for everyone but I want to speak directly to parents for a second because this might be the most important application of everything I’ve said.
Your kids are constantly paying attention to how you behave. Especially teenagers. And with teens it goes deeper than the obvious stuff. They are picking up on the microscopic behaviors that you’ve grown so used to about yourself that you don’t even know you’re doing them. The tone you use when you’re frustrated. The way you deflect when someone calls you out. The excuses you make for yourself without thinking twice.
As parents you are setting the example for your children in a lot of ways. But the biggest, and arguably the most impactful, thing you’re modeling for their future is how they will connect with the parts of themselves that need improvement. In other words, how they manage the balance between shame and self-love. If they see you ignoring your flaws, not taking ownership, making excuses for why you behaved a certain way, then most likely that’s the lesson you are teaching them. That’s the blueprint they’re going to use on themselves.
Rather than trying to deny your flaws and hide your imperfections (passive acceptance) let them see that it’s ok to have areas to work on. That’s active self-love. Let them see what it means for someone to live authentically rather than artificially. And it might be the most important thing you ever teach them.
Self-love isn’t a reward. It’s a practice. And the people who get that, who really get that, are the ones in the club.
